I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
