I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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