I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
