yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
