So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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