I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
