my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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