i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
