the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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