Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
