Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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