Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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