im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
cat food counts as protein by the way
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
