Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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