I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
