Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
We are all done wearing pants today
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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