Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
