My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
