did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
