i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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