your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
