I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
