I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
