$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
