My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
