I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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