Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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