There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
