puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
