he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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