I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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