I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Randomize
