I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
