Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
