so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
