Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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