Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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