every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
