Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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