Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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