how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
