Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
