She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
This is the high leading the old right now
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
