Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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