If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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