Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
