i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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