Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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