I wish I only lived at night.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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