guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
home. puking in laundry basket.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
